Tough Love for the Self Help Reader

August 19, 2007

Ask yourself honestly, how many self help books and blogs do you read on a monthly basis? Is it three books and a handful of blogs? That sounds about like my answer. Now ask yourself a slightly harder question: How much of the information you read do you actually put to any use? That?s a more uncomfortable question because for most people the answer is not very much. Steve Pavlina calls these folks Self Help Junkies, which is a pretty apt term, but why are so many people addicted to the idea of bettering themselves? Why aren?t there just as many people addicted to actually bettering themselves? Well the answer is that progress excites us and success bores us. Happiness isn?t in what we pursue, it?s the pursuit itself. The bigger question is why so many people continue to buy these books and audio seminars and scour the Internet for blogs, knowing full well that they aren?t really going to use the information they find. What are they looking for?

The truth of the matter is that they have no idea what they’re looking for, and more to the point they have no idea where to look. The sad thing is that they already know not only the answers they seek, but also where to find them.

It seems that there are three types of people out there who scour the far corners for new self improvement information: The Lost, the Students and the Junkies.

The Lost

The Lost are truly in over their heads. They don?t know where to turn to find the help they need, usually because they don?t yet understand the nature of their problem. They search, not for solutions, but for someone to turn them in the right direction. They need someone who knows where they are to point them toward the exit. An example of someone who is Lost is a struggling alcoholic. He may not have any clue how to begin to help himself and so searches for someone who understands his problem more than he does. He needs someone who knows his situation to show him the way out. The people who are Lost usually know that the only way to get out of their problems is by their bootstraps. They understand that the solution rests in the work they are willing to put into solving their problems, they just need someone to show them the first steps, they’ll take it from there.

The Student

The Students search for better ideas. They want to know more than they already know because they are interested in all of the ways they could put their knowledge to use. The Students have usually already begun to make changes in themselves with what they have learned thus far. They have brought themselves to a place in their lives they are proud of, but they also understand that there must be more out there for them to learn. They search for teachers who have gone farther than they have. Students know the path they are taking; they search now for alternate views of that path. The key to the Student is that they have a deep understanding of the problems which they wish to change. The Student knows what he wants to change about himself and why he wishes to changes it. What he seeks are all of the ways in which he might begin to make that change.

The Junkies

The Junkies love the idea of bettering themselves, but are uninterested in details. Junkies want instant gratification. They are well aware of their problems on a superficial level. They understand that they have problems, but are uninterested in the underlying causes that brought about those problems. All the Junkie wants is the possibility. This is the important bit: Junkies want the possibility of change and solutions, they do not actually seek changes or solutions. It is the possibilities that satisfy the Junkie, not the details of actual reality. They want to know that there is chance that they could suddenly become rich, how, or if, they are going to accomplish it is of little relevance. Junkies want the satisfaction that comes from knowing that there is an easy way out of their problems. They don?t care whether or not the solution works, just so long as it requires little to no effort and has the potential for complete success.

The Journey of Self Help

These three groups are not exclusive, or binding. We all move in and out of these different categories and there tends to be a kind of evolution from one to the next. I personally have spent a good amount of time in each. I started out in the Lost category wondering why I was unhappy and wondering what had happened to my life. After delving into personal development I evolved into a Junkie; I wanted more and more information, but I never wanted to use it. Months after I had begun to soak in all of this information I realized how unchanged my life still was and I slowly began to evolve into the Student mentality and have been there ever since.

Now there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these groups. The term Junkie has a negative connotation, but I want to make it clear that finding yourself in the Junkie category is not a bad thing, so long as you are happy there. People find this hard to believe but many self help Junkies are well aware that they are Junkies and don?t see any reason to change. Many of them are well aware that they don?t want to put what they learn to use because they are more interested in reading the books or attending the seminars. To them, personal development is a spectator sport, and that mentality is fine, so long as it is a conscious choice and a choice that makes you happy. Where Junkies run into problems is when they don?t realize their addiction. The majority of these Junkies truly don?t realize that they are so. They truly think that they are changing their lives for the better or, more often than not, they simply think that self improvement doesn?t work. Why didn?t it work? Because they didn?t even try. They haven?t chosen to be a Junkie, they are stuck and unaware. In many ways, they are like the Lost.

So what do these classifications mean to you and your development? They are meant to help you identify what it is that you need most at any given moment. If you can classify yourself in a certain group, you can identify what it is you truly need to continue your improvement.

The Lost want to discover their problem.

The Students want to discover new solutions.

The Junkies want to discover the possibility that their life could improve.

The sad part of these groups is that hardly any of them realize that what they seek is already inside of them. In just the same way that ?you are what you eat? you are also ?what you seek.? The Lost haven?t figured out that they already know their problem; on some untapped level perhaps, but they know it just the same. The Student already knows their answer, they just aren?t aware of their knowledge. The Junkies know just how to change their life, but are unwilling to take the steps. Deep down we all know what needs to be done to make ourselves the people we wish to be. The problem is that it is easier to throw our hands up and cry ?I just don?t know how!? when deep down inside we already know that we do know how, we are just unwilling to access it.

Now for the Tough Love:

You may not want to believe this at first, but really take a moment to stop and think about it. Doesn?t it seem true? If you are unhappy with your life but don?t know why, stop for a moment and be brutally honest with yourself; you do know why, you just don?t want to admit it to yourself. Perhaps you are overweight or don?t have the money you want. Perhaps you have an addiction or are lonely. Whatever the reason, the things that make us unhappy are not secrets, we just like to believe that they are. It makes us feel better to claim that we don?t know what?s wrong with us or how to fix it! When the truth is that we simply don?t like the answers that we find.

If you are overweight, you know how to fix the problem: diet and exercise.

If you are lonely, you know how to fix the problem: go out and meet people.

?But it?s not that easy for me!? you shout. Crap! It is that easy, most of us just don?t want to admit it to ourselves. Are there people in the world who are just physically or mentally incapable of doing certain things? Yes, but you are most likely not one of them. The problem is that you don?t want to face the truth because it would make the problem real. If you try to loose weight and fail you?ll feel even worse and you will have admitted that you have a weight problem. So why try to fix it when you can deny, even to yourself, that the problem exists? Nobody said making lasting improvements was easy. What I?m saying is that it is possible; you just have to be ready to look into the abyss.

I know that feeling of throwing up my hands and shouting that I just don?t know. I know that feeling of wanting it to be different for me, wanting there to be some excuse for my obesity or my social shortcomings. Excuses were easier than meeting the problem head-on and solving it. Or so I thought. In fact, the opposite turned out to be true. The sooner I not only looked into the abyss, but leapt into it, the sooner I realized that the answers to my problems were not only simple, they were effective. I realized that I had always known the answers, I had just been too scared to face them.

I found out that diet and exercise, while difficult at times, were a damn sight better than remaining fat and feeling bad about myself. I found that working toward my goals was a damn sight better than wondering why I was unsuccessful. I thought all my life it was just easier to make my excuses, when all along I could?ve simply solved my problems. And were my solutions always easy? No, and neither will yours be. Anyone who tells you that you can change without putting forth the effort is trying to sell you something you don?t want. Lasting changes call for lasting commitments.

Why spend one more day feeling bad about yourself when you know how to fix it? Why spend one more minute wondering why your life sucks, when you already know why? Why spend one more second staring down the barrel of an obvious answer and saying that it isn?t what you want? You have what you are looking for, take it and run with it. You know what the next step to improving your life is: look into, and leap into, the abyss. Turn toward the dark places inside yourself that you don?t like to talk about and drag your answers kicking and screaming into the light of day. You?ll find they don?t seem so scary then.

Tough Love Over.

Posted in Determination, Emotions, Fear, Goal Setting, Happiness, Motivation, Self Improvement, Success, The Mind