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Our world has a big problem when it comes to interpersonal relationships and that problem is tolerance. We tolerate people with differing beliefs. We tolerate people of differing races. We tolerate people with differing opinions. And that’s exactly the problem. We’ve spent decades trying to teach our children tolerance when all along we’ve yet to realize as a society that tolerance is not the answer. We cannot truly interact with, cannot truly live with, cannot truly love that which we merely tolerate. We must learn to trade tolerance for acceptance and, yes, even love.

Tolerance isn’t the Opposite of Hate

If you do a Google search for the word “tolerance” the first result you’ll find is www.tolerance.org, which is run by the Southern Poverty Law Center and has a tag line that reads: Fight Hate and Promote Tolerance. This is a great sentiment. The only problem is that tolerance is not the opposite of hate. Love is the opposite of hate. Tolerance doesn’t mean “to not hate differences” tolerance means to “endure differences.” Is that really what we want to teach our children? When you teach your kids that they should be tolerant of all religions, what you’re saying to them is that they shouldn’t judge those of another religion, even though they are wrong. You may think this is a trivial, semantic difference but ask yourself this question: Would you rather someone tolerate your beliefs, or love you for them?

Loving Everyone is Misguided

Now I’m saying that we should all love each other unconditionally. In the boundaries of the world and humans as they, that’s laughable. We all have things we like and dislike. We all have thing we love and hate. That’s why we created those words. Telling everyone that they should love one another unconditionally is a wonderful, though misguided, thought. Loving everyone in the world denies our differences as humans. We are all connected and we all are made up of the same substance, but we have differences for a reason; to celebrate them. You don’t have to love others in spite of those attributes you hate, you simply have to accept them.

Acceptance Is the Key

To accept someone is not to love them necessarily, though that is a part of it. To accept someone is to recognize the similarities that you share and find them in yourself. When you look down your nose at someone with a disgusting habit, acceptance would mean discovering the potential for that habit in yourself. To accept someone is to see yourself in them. To recognize that they are a part of what you are, and vice versa. This is not necessarily love, nor is it condoning.

To accept the beliefs or actions that you dislike is not to love them, but to love yourself and therefore love the other person on some level. Think of this as the “love the sinner, hate the sin” method. To find another person in yourself and to accept them as you, is to love them as a part of you. You don’t have to like them, you just have to know that they are you and you are them. Their actions you may find contemptible, but their being is still a part of you.

You are also not condoning the actions or the beliefs of this person. You do not have to accept their beliefs as being valid, or substitute their beliefs for your own. The point of acceptance is to relish the differences, not to seek conformity. You are not bowing to their beliefs in anyway, you are simply accepting someone for having them. I personally disagree with organized religion of any color, but that doesn’t mean I hate religious people. I accept their beliefs because I recognize the potential and the need for those beliefs in myself. I see myself in them and them in me and I know that we are one and the same. I love them for what they are, though I still think their beliefs are wrong. I still think I’m right and their wrong, but that doesn’t mean I hate them and I’m sure they feel the exact same way.

How to Become More Accepting

1.Do Not Flinch From Differences – humans have a tendency to shut down when we are met with severe opposition. We become completely immune to logic. Learn to fight this tendency. It’s hard at times, but ultimately it is the most important step to take. Learn to take in differences if you cannot appreciate them. Learn to observe them without judgment, if you cannot learn to love them. Do not, however, close your eyes to them.

2.View Yourself Looking at Yourself – as you see this person you wish to judge, take a moment and imagine yourself in their place. Not in a first person sense, but turn them into you. As you stand before them, staring at them, imagine that their image becomes yours. Imagine that it is yourself you’re talking to.

3.Imagine Giving Them a Hug – you’ll hate this one at first, but you’ll come to see the inherent power in it. Imagine as you look at them, pretending that they are you, that you step forward and hug them. Squeeze them as you would squeeze a loved one in grief. Imagine you are trying to comfort them.

4.“I Accept You.” - if you can’t muster up an “I love you,” imagine that you’re saying “I accept you.” Remember as you say this, that you are saying this to another form of you. You are saying this to a part of yourself.

5.“But I Do Not Choose . . .” - now in your mind, step back from this person. You have said “I accept you,” and now you can follow it up with “but I do not choose that.” If you find their beliefs repulsive, then tell yourself that you do not choose them. You do not judge them, you simply do not choose to take them on as your own. You accept the person. You accept their beliefs. You don’t have to choose either.

Perform this little exercise as often as you need to with anybody you need to. You don’t have to be physically staring them in the face to do this and in fact it doesn’t have to be another person. If your problem stems from a lack of self acceptance, try it with the image of yourself. Tell yourself that you love yourself, you accept yourself, but you do not choose your negative thoughts or your more destructive habits. Learning to separate the people from their actions, learning to accept people as a part of you, all of these things can lead you to unlimited potential when you realize that everyone’s success is your success and everyone’s pain is your pain.